I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
