Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.