remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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