i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
