This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
