I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
