one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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