She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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