I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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