Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
