Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
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