I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
