how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
