Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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