are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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