My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
