you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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