Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
