ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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