It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
