guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
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...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
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You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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