There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
