I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
