I think my fart just growled at me.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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