Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
