if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
