btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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