When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
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mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
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You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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