I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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