He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
