i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
