...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
