i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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