Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
