Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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