Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
