oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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