did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
