Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
