so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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