No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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