apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
