I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
