Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
