The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
