I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
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He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
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Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
not ubering you a puppy
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