I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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