So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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