I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
