Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
