I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
