Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
