oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
