I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
