Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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